


Emotionally Stable

by Spilled_My_Tea



Category: Rusty Cage
Genre: F/M, Rusty Cage - Freeform, RustyCage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spilled_My_Tea/pseuds/Spilled_My_Tea
Summary: "They say true love is never easy but is there a point where it's too impossible to manage? Is there a point where it's worth giving it up for more important things?"A Rusty Cage fanficPeople can't be fixed and a lot of people can't understand that, mostly fanfiction writers. Love can't fix mental illness. Sorry if anything in this triggers you. If you are struggling with your mental health than go see someone who can give you help. In no way am I saying that the ways these characters are coping are good and I don't support any of the acts done. Thank you for reading if you do.
Relationships: Tomoda/Dating Sims Protagonist





	1. Emotionally Stable

Gainsville Florida; it was the last place you wanted to be. Multiple people inside the bar talking and laughing with each other, but you could never feel more excluded. You glanced over at a man standing at the bar counter, holding a glass of whiskey. The tattoo on his hand catching your attention the most. He couldn't be who you thought he was. Right? No way he could be Rusty Cage. He glanced over at you, but you averted your gaze from him.

Your best friend Emma walked over to you, giving you a small smile. "Hey, everything okay?" She asked as she glanced over at Rusty.

"Yeah, I'm just nervous about being back here, you know? From what happened last time I was in Florida," You whispered, not wanting anyone to hear you. "After what happened last year..."

"I know," Emma whispered, placing a hand your shoulder to comfort you. She glanced over at a man flirting with a girl and then back at you. "no way! Jason? That asshole is here!"

You shrugged, "I haven't talked to him since we broke up. It's been like... He can move on. He was an abusive asshole anyway."

Emma nodded, understanding. "Everything will be okay."

"I hope so," you whispered, glancing back over at Rusty again. He was silently asking for another drink from the bartender.

You stopped listening to Emma as she spoke shit about Jason at this point, instead, you focused on Rusty. Gaining enough confidence, you walked up to him, "Hey, are you Rusty Cage? Sorry if that sounds annoying," you whispered as you took a seat at the bar, next to him.

"Just call me Ben, it's more formal that way," Ben mumbled, shaking his head as you watched Emma and some girl leave through the front door. You sighed noticing your ride just leave now since Emma was your only way of getting home.

"Everything okay with you and that girl that just left?" Ben asked causing you to shrug. "Friends? More? You seemed pretty sad when she left with that other chick."

"Just friends. I'll have to walk home now," you said as Ben looked down at you seeing you order a shot from the bartender.

"Okay, those pornstars are gonna have some fun," your head looked up from the shot hearing your ex-boyfriend Jason joked, you knew he was talking about Emma and the girl she left with, as he walked over to you and Ben. There was a small smile on his face as he looked you over.

You stayed quiet as you kept your gaze away from Jason and he definitely noticed. From the corner of your eye, you could see him watching you with a frown.

"Jason," you started, but your voice was cut off by Ben.

"Come on Stacy, we need to get going," you felt him grab you by the wrist pulling you out of the bar abandoning Jason there at the bar. He pulled you out of the bar down the street to a taxi car not too far from the bar, however, the driver wasn't in the car. When he noticed Jason wasn't following, he stopped and turned to you, "sorry if that was sudden."

"My name isn't Stacy," you said scratching the back of your neck as Ben shrugged.

You slowly fixed your bag from your shoulder before following Ben down the streets. More normally now though, just walking side by side. "So who exactly is that Jason guy?" Ben asked as he glanced back at you.

"Shitty ex-boyfriend," you whispered as you watched Ben grab a lighter from his pocket noticing a cigarette between his lips. "name it, he's done it to me. I moved away from Florida just to escape him but now I'm back I guess. I just didn't suspect him to find me so quickly."

He lit the cigarette. "Sounds like an ass."

"The biggest mistake I made was loving him," you said awkwardly.

The two of you walked down the street. You stared at Ben's back as the two of you walked in silence. "Watch your step-"

He was cut off by your light scream as you tripped over a crack in the cement, but Ben managed to grab your waist before you came in contact with the concrete path. "You okay?" He asked, looking at you with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine," you whispered as Ben let go of your waist. You followed him down and walked up the porch of your house.

Ben followed close behind you and you felt safer with him around. Entering your house, he was about to say goodbye but you welcomed him into your house saying that it was too late at night for him to just walk home and you were scared that he would get mugged.

You watched Ben sit down at your table, his hat coming off his head and running a hand through his hair. Looking around your house, you sighed remembering how you left a year ago.

(One year ago)

You finally arrived at your house, tears were covering your rosy cheeks. As you unlocked the front door and walked in, you threw your bag to the ground. While choking out heavy sobs, you stomped up the stairs. With all your force, you slammed the door behind you, locking it. You rested yourself to the ground, wrapped your arms around your knees and rocked back and forth. Downstairs, you could hear Emma's desperate calls and questions about whether you were fine. But you could care less about her.

You were tired. Tired of school. Tired of life. Tired of Jason. He acted so nice in front of everyone, but the moment you did anything wrong, he'd completely snap and you were terrified about just saying his name. Very handsome, sexy and talented. But he was a bitch. He had an extremely sharp tongue and could be very, very mean. You should not oppose him, otherwise, he would destroy you, maybe even go so far as kill you.

Tears ran down your cheeks, your heart wrenched as you cried even more. Now, Emma was standing in front of your door, knocking the whole time. "Babes, are you alright?"

You hadn't got the strength to respond. You didn't want to tell her what happened. "Go away!" You only shouted.

"Babes, just tell me what happened. Why are you crying?"

You left Emma without an explanation, stood up and went to your bathroom. You undressed and climbed under the shower. The hot warm water relaxed your muscles and you calmed down. You knew it was a bad idea to try a break up with Jason, you had tried to before and it always ended in with stuff getting broken, yelling and crying. But as you thought about it more, could Jason follow you out of Florida?

"You okay?"

You were snapped out of the memory hearing Ben as you turned to him. Without thinking, you nodded before looking at the time noticing it was almost four in the morning and offered him something to drink, trying to ignore how the room was spinning.

Ben shook his head, "so when is your friend supposed to come home?"

You shrugged, "probably tomorrow, she probably hooked up with some lady. Can't say I'm surprised."

"That's normal?"

"We're pretty much opposites," you shrugged, jumping up onto the counter of the kitchen, Ben getting up from the table and walking over to you, "she used to hooking up while me, well I could barely leave the house without Jason being on my ass everywhere."

Looking at you, Ben started to notice how tired you were and offered to lead you to your room saying that you needed sleep. You held onto him as he helped you up the stairs so you wouldn't fall and to your room.

He looked around your room, his own merch flag hung on your window as a makeshift curtain above your bed which was in the middle of the room against the wall. It wasn't so much of a bed though the more he looked at it, it was really just a mattress with multiple boxes under it so it wasn't completely on the floor. Articles of clothing laid on the grown and out of the closet. Photographs hung on the wall of you and Emma together along with some of your family that seemed to be burned and ruined.

He laid you down on your bed and was about to leave to go sleep on the couch when your arms wrapped around him and you whispered, "please don't go." He smiled sadly, telling you he would. Taking off his black skinny jeans so he was in his boxers and button-up shirt with white dots. He laid down in your bed, your arms wrapping around him. His arm going around you almost protectively.

Ben was up almost all night, looking down at you and imagining what you were dreaming of. Seeing the small smile on your face as you snuggle into his chest, his face turned slightly red but slowly relaxed closing his eyes.

You woke up before him and got yourself out of his arms, down the stairs to your kitchen so you could surprise him with something to eat.

The doorbell rang as you were looking around the house for something that wasn't expired but to no avail. You opened the door to see the familiar girl who was honestly beautiful despite the gap between her teeth and bushy black hair. She beamed seeing you, moving her hair to cover the left side of her neck and entered the house, "so, did you get any last night?"

"Why is sex everything about you Emma?" you asked looking around for your truck's keys that you put somewhere on the counter.

"Maybe because you haven't got any ever since Jason," Emma nudged you in the side, your eyes widened seeing her holding Ben's hat that had been left on the kitchen table last night, "so you did get some then."

"How do you know that hat just isn't-"

You were interrupted by Ben walking down the stairs, freezing at the last step seeing Emma as she looked over at him then back at you with a smirk.

"Ooh, I better leave you two alone," Emma walked backwards to the front door, "'talk' away." She winked at you and then left.

You finally found your car key picking it up but was stopped by Ben's hand on your own, you looked up at his grey eyes noticing he had put back on his skinny jeans and hat.

"Thank you for letting me stay for the night," Ben thanked you as he was about to leave but you stopped him asking if he wanted any breakfast, Ben said he really didn't need any but you knew that was a lie just from seeing how underweight he was.

"Ben, have you eaten anything?" you asked, hoping to get a real answer from him instead of a fabricated one. You didn't know why you cared so much, maybe because you had been a fan of his channel since he started? Or that you always found him attractive? And he honestly was such a bad guy despite what he said about himself.

"Yes," you could already tell that was a lie.

His hand was already on the doorknob, you saw how tense his body was as if he was trying to stop himself from crying. A part of you wanted to go up to him and hug him but another part of you told yourself not to, afraid he would judge you. You could basically see a large boulder on top of him, pushing him down to the ground as he tried so hard to hold it up.

Your mind screamed at you to let him leave, saying that it wasn't your business to get involved but you couldn't help yourself, "Ben...please talk to me..." You said.

Ben leaned his head against the door, the tears flowing like a waterfall from his eyes as he leaned against the door, falling to the ground. His body shaking as he tried to contain himself, choking on his own tears, quickly wiping them so you wouldn't judge him, his chest so tight that he couldn't breathe.

Your heart was breaking, kneeling down to him. Your hand landing on his knee, almost as in a way of asking for permission to hug him. His arms flung around you, his face going into the crook of your neck as he was shaking crying. You ran your hand up and down his back trying to soothe him.

"Shh, it'll be okay Ben, I promise."

A promise you would hold onto forever. Trying so hard to make his life feel worth something more than just money and fame.

"You have more worth than you would think," you said, lifting his head to look at you, "I'm not just telling you this to make you feel better, I mean it. I mean every single god damn word I say."

He wiped his eyes with his tattooed hand, looking down at his lap in shame, "you probably believe I'm some kind of whiney pussy now."

"Not everyone is perfect Ben," he looked at you.

"Do you have any alcohol?" Ben asked, almost as if he was desperate for it.

You nodded knowing where Emma kept her stash inside her room. When you came back to Ben with the bottle, he opened and drank right from the bottle.

"I'm sorry I'm so pathetic," Ben threw his hat off his head and at the kitchen counter, the hat not even making it there and instead on the ground, "drinking just helps me forget the man that I am."

"I don't mind you, Ben," you said holding the bottle away from him slightly, "just take it easy on the alcohol, please. Jason used to drink so much, that was when he was at his worse. Jason made me afraid of anyone that wasn't him. Made me turn my back on Emma and my family, Emma is the only one so far to forgive me. I can tell that you are no Jason though, Ben."

"I'm no Prince Charming."

"And you're no Jason," you made him look at you, "you're the complete opposite of him. You don't know how scared I felt in that whole relationship, scared for my own life. I was scared to leave but didn't love him. Actually, I did. In some kind of fucked up way, I still loved him. But as he kept pushing me, hurting me, it made me hate him more and more. If I didn't trust you, I would have left you at the bar counter last night, but guess what? I didn't, I feel like I know you, Ben."

"I'm a terrible person."

"Stop saying stuff like that about yourself!"

"That means a lot...really," he said, he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and a lighter, "do you mind if I smoke?"

You shook your head grabbing the ashtray off the table that belonged to Emma. He offered you one as you took it, allowing him to help you light it. You never really smoked much, you only really started because Jason did.

The bitter taste made you relax and less on edge as you leaned against the kitchen counter and Ben against the wall. Everything that your anxiety used against you seemed to disappear as you inhaled the deadly smoke.

Ben seemed to be calmer also. Almost happier but you practically saw through the mask and knew he was still sad, telling that he thought his life was irrelevant. He began to think that you were just using him, get to learn about him so you could spill everything to everyone. But he realized that you weren't like that. You weren't like those drama-filled teenage girls. You actually cared.

His cigarette went into the ashtray just as he lit another one. His company giving you something more to do than just sitting in your room making random songs on your guitar while waiting for Emma to come back from work.

"What was the dumbest song you've written?" you asked, you generally loved his music and thought he was really talented, more than just the Knife Game guy.

"Honestly," Ben seemed to be thinking for a second, "all the knife game songs really, I hate basically all of them. Do you do any kind of music?"

You nodded, "nothing good though."

"I'd like to hear it," Ben said as you nodded. Going up the stairs to your room, you looked through your closet for your guitar which would be in its case.

You came back with your guitar sitting across from Ben again. Ben looked at your guitar closer seeing a sticker of his youtube logo on it as he smiled.

Pulling your guitar pic out of the case, you started to play which just happened to the instrumental of Ben's song If All Should Fail.

"I said I'm gonna spend my time alone. Cause it ain't worth trying to find that lover's soul. I said it's better searching in myself. Cause I couldn't give away my love. Or spend my time with anybody else. But oh, sometimes I believe I can make the change. Oh Lord, are you feeling the same way," you sang, Ben, joining along.

"I said I better change my sinking thoughts. Before they pull me under to drown out everything I've got. And yet I find comfort in despair. Cause I've wallowed in it far too long when things go wrong. It feels good not to care. And oh, sometimes I believe I can make the change. Good God, are you feeling the same way," Ben sang the second verse, you smiled up at him and started to sing the chorus together.

"Cause I would do it for her if she'd do it for me. If this is where we ought to be. I am only a man (girl), my sins of pride. Are swallowed down here by your side," you two sang, looking at each other happily. It made you smile seeing Ben smile, you knew this was a genuine smile, he was actually happy, not just some mask he was using to hide how he really felt.

"Instead, I'm gonna praise my stubborn heart. But I feel like dying, and I know I'm only at the start. And as the days go passing by. Well, that window begins to close, and so it shows. When months turn into years, well I try. And oh, I believe I can make the change. Good God, are you feeling the same way. I would do it for her if she'd do it for me. If this is where we ought to be. I am only a man, my sins of pride. Are swallowed down here by your side. If all should fail, so often does. Of lack of passion and lack of trust. But I would do it for her if she'd do it for me. If this is where we ought to be," you two stopped, looking up at each other, you slightly laughed.

"Sorry that was bad," you went to put away your guitar but Ben's hand landed on yours.

"You're a really good singer, especially at my own song," Ben said, putting out his cigarette, putting it out in the ashtray. While he was doing that, you noticed a little white line on his arm when his sleeve raised. You knew those little white lines too much and grabbed his arm, rolling up his sleeve to see more of the same little white lines, white scars.

"Ben..." Ben practically froze when you found out. Your heart was breaking thinking how he could mutilate his own body like that, it killed you. Looking at his arms closer, you counted hundreds of tiny white lines across his pale flesh, "why?" The one-word question that helped you hide so many feelings and fears.

You alright felt tears in your eyes looking at the multiple cuts and forced yourself to look away and let go of his arm as Ben rolled down his sleeve again.

"I just didn't care."

You looked up at him, emotion in his face as he looked at you. You knew he was telling the truth as you looked him in the eyes, wiping your eyes with your sleeve.

"But then I did care. I cared too much." He sighed, looking at one of the scars peeking out from his sleeve, "I didn't care if I died or I lived, I only cared what people had thought or said. I'm just a huge fuck up."

"You shouldn't hate yourself for it," you said, your hand landing on his cold one.

His hand locked fingers with your own making you smile up at him, his crooked teeth and dimples showing but he quickly covered them almost ashamed.

You pulled his hand away from his mouth still holding his hand in your other hand, "you have a nice smile. Helps me know that you are actually happy."

"I used to be happy," he said, looking down at his lap, "now look at me. Drinking is the only way I don't feel hurt."

You tried to grab the bottle away from him but he pulled away from you, "Ben please, you need to stop drinking. It's not helping, it's just making it worse."

"It hurts way more when I'm sober."

You were trying to stay patient with him and calm. You knew what he was talking about, but you also knew if he stopped drinking it wouldn't be so bad. If he could just stay one day sober then maybe he would understand what you meant.

"People treat me like I'm some kind of problem that can't be solved. Sometimes I do believe that I am a problem."

"You aren't a problem Ben, you're a person."

Ben stayed silent as you held onto his hand, silently squeezing his hand.

"Go calm yourself down with a nice shower, the bathroom is upstairs at the end of the hall."

You explained to him as he nodded getting off the floor and up the stairs. You sighed, putting the bottle of alcohol away and cleaning up your kitchen so it didn't look like a total mess. It was obvious that in the year you were gone that Emma barely did any cleaning, you weren't even sure if Emma had stayed at the house all the time, probably stayed with some girl named Noelle that you kept hearing her talk to.

As you were thinking, you heard the door be pushed open suspecting to see Emma but instead, you saw Jason and he looked drunk out of his mind.

"It's cool Jason," you were hiding behind the counter hearing Jason start talking to himself in the third person, he was obviously high as you covered your mouth to try and quiet yourself so he wouldn't find you. Jason was pacing around the kitchen knocking things over, "don't stress yourself out, dude." He kicked Ben's hat which was on the floor, "you're okay bro. Just count to ten...Don't be scared. You own Florida, if I wanted, I could blow it all up. I'm the boss!"

You jumped hearing him kick the kitchen counter probably leaving a hole it in. Deciding to stop being scared, you got up from your hiding to face Jason which you quickly saw to be a mistake but you decided to not show your fear in front of Jason.

"Last time I checked, I kicked you out of my house," you glared at him as Jason looked at you, he's pupils were so dilated that it was obvious he was on some kind of drug.

"I got nothing for you."

"Wrong," you said pushing him in the shoulder towards the door, "Oh boo hoo, poor little rich son, high off his shit. I know that you've been pumping drugs to minors around Florida, oh I can see the headlines now. I bet your respectable family would help me out if I went to them."

"Leave them out of this bitch!" Jason yelled at you as you pushed him into the door to get him to leave.

"I can tell everyone that Jason Greene is no more than a fucking abusive rapist that begs like a little girl and talks to himself!"

You were stopped by the sound of a gun being pulled out of Jason's jacket, "you have no fucking clue who you are messing around with."

You put up your hands being pushed into the door by Jason as he pinned you to the door, the gun pointed right at your abdomen. You looked down at the gun in horror wanting to call Ben for help but also not wanting him to get hurt too, "where did you get that? What are you doing? Come on, put that thing down!"

"Don't you ever tell me what to do!" Jason yelled, slamming his hand against the wall near your head as you kept trying to push the gun away.

"You will be in way deeper shit for this then just drugs."

"Nobody would ever even miss your dumbass would they?"

"Get that gun away from you, you sicko!"

Just as Jason was about to pull the trigger, Ben's arms were around his throat pulling him away from you and pulling the gun out of his hands. The two were on the floor punching each other as you were against the floor yelling at them to stop.

"She's a fucking whore! Ask her about Emma, the so-called best friend!" Jason yelled as Ben pulled him off the floor dragging him to the door and throwing him out. Ben closed the door as he turned to you.

"Did he hurt you?"

You shook your head. You remembered what you had said before though when you were arguing with Jason, 'I can tell everyone that Jason Greene is no more than a fucking abusive rapist that begs like a little girl and talks to himself'. That's when Ben made you look at him.

"When I say did he hurt you, I actually meant through the whole relationship, not just now."

You sighed knowing you couldn't lie to Ben, after how much he opened up to you, how could you just lie right to his face, that would lose all his trust.

You couldn't manage to say it out loud so all you did was nod in a way of saying he did. You heard Ben sigh and grab your hand, "come with me."

Ben had brought you all the way to a dumpsite. Climbing over the gates with Ben, you felt overwhelmed with how many memories came back to you about this place. The dumpsite wasn't just any kind of dumpsite to you and Emma growing up. It was a place you two could be free and honestly just hang out without people's judgement.

You jumped down from the gate landing on the ground, you looked over at Ben who seemed to be pulling something out his pocket. Placing a photo in your hand, you looked at it closer. It was you and Jason, probably the last photo of Jason you had.

"I've learned forgetting the past can help the future, but this is your choice," he said beside you, pulling his lighter out from his pocket and giving it to you.

You held the lighter along with the photo, "thank you," you said, walking over to the burning barrel inside th dumpsite. You struck the corner of the photo in the flame watching the fire engulf the photo burning the face of Jason first then your own as you threw the photo into the burning barrel. Trying to hold back the tears in your eyes watching the fire take over the burning barrel.

You sighed watching the fire as Ben grabbed your hand, "come on, let's go home."

Without thinking, you kicked the burning barrel tipping it onto the ground and the fire catching onto a tree which got engulfed in the flame. Ben jumped in surprise as you cried falling to the ground screaming.

This was supposed to be a good thing, to forget all the things Jason had done to hurt you but it just brought everything back to you at once. You watched the fire spread from tree to tree, Ben trying to pull you away from the site so you two wouldn't get incriminated for the fire as you buried your head in his shoulder clinging to him for support.

Later that day, Ben sighed watching the tv which was talking about the forest fire, he knew you caused it but he couldn't even be mad as he stared at your sleeping figure, your head in his lap while you were curled up on the couch.

It had been a day since you two met yet Ben felt like he had known you his whole life. Barely remembering life without you in it. He felt so happy and safe with you. He watched you open your eyes and look up at him, you smiled up at him wrapping your arms around him hugging him tightly.

"I'm happy you were with me today," you said, burying your head in his shoulder looking at the tv seeing the firefighters fighting the fire you caused, "I really fucked up."

"You were hurting," Ben explained before looking down at you, "but that was way more than wild. You went absolutely nuts, what the hell were you thinking?"

"I was angry, sad, just all kinds of shitty emotion," you sighed wiping the tears that were starting to form in your eyes, "I didn't expect the whole dumpsite to go whoosh. But you're in on it too now. Accessory after the fact. Unless you rat me out to the police of course."

"So my new friend that looks like someone who couldn't hurt a fly, did something batshit crazy last night, what do I do?"

"This friend of yours, who I'm assuming is also a fan of your channel, sounds like she may have been inspired by someone new in her life. Perhaps this friend of yours, probably needed someone in her life to be able to teach her how to not give a fuck because she was tired of having to give so many fucks all the time."

You leaned your head against his shoulder, his arm going around your shoulder holding you closer to him as you watched the forest fire you caused on tv. You cursed at yourself getting off the couch, Ben looking up at you as you turned off the tv.

"I lost everyone for Jason," you sighed, leaning your head against the wall hiding your emotion but you knew that Ben could see it through you, "he manipulated me in such a way that I didn't want to go anywhere without him and talking to anyone that wasn't him made it difficult. Emma was the only one that knew about the whole situation and noticed I was getting more depressed in the relationship, my mum didn't care, she had practically already disowned me for dating Jason."

"What about your dad?"

"He died in a car crash a year before I met Jason."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

Unknown to each other, you two were falling in love with each other. Hopelessly in love. But you both thought that the other was way out of your league, too good for the other, too soon to love. It had only been a day.

"If you don't mind me asking...how?"

"My dad?" you saw Ben nod, "my mum was still at work and my dad was hanging out with me and Emma. Well, my mum was getting off work and she had missed the bus so she called my dad to come to get her. While he was driving, a stupid drunk driver was going full speed down the road and struck my dad's car killing him immediately."

"Oh-"

"Do you know how it feels to be sitting by the door expecting your dad to come home but he never does?" you walked over to the kitchen grabbing the bottle of alcohol on the counter pulling off the lid, "this stupid shithole takes everyone I've ever cared about. My dad gets killed, my mum disowns me, Jason becomes an abusive ass- won't be long till you either die or stab me in the back."

Ben didn't know what to say as he leaned against the doorway of the kitchen watching you. You were hunched over the sink clinging to the bottle as you cried, your tears falling from your eyes down the sink drain.

He went to put his hand on your shoulder but stopped himself with his hand in midair not exactly knowing how you would react. He knew he shouldn't have brought up your dad, maybe he shouldn't have even brought up Jason.

"Stop thinking bad about yourself like that Ben-"

He looked at the back of your head, it was almost as if you could read his mind.

"You're probably the best thing that has happened to me in my life Ben."

Ben saw you turn around, your eyes puffy and red from crying before going around his thin body, your head laying on his chest while wiping your tears with your sleeve. Ben's hands went to your hair, running gently through your hair to try and soothe you.

You wanted to stay in that moment forever, just feeling safe in Ben's arms. You didn't ever want him to leave, you would miss him more than anything, maybe even to the point of killing yourself.

"I can tell you that death isn't a good answer," you looked up at Ben as he was looking back down at you, "I tried to kill myself a week ago, hanging myself inside my room but my step-dad found me. How disappointed my mother was in me. She was so angry, she hates me. Called me a fucking disgrace."

You pulled him down so he was leaning his forehead against your own. He tried to hide his face from you in your neck as you whispered comforting words in his ear.

"She wished I had died," Ben cried.

"It can't be easy for her to almost lose her son, she was just upset at you probably," you knew you were lying but you couldn't have told him the truth.

"I'm just a fuck up, I wish my step-dad didn't find me."

"Ben you aren't a fuck up, not to me at least."

"When I tried to kill myself," he started to choke on his own tears, struggling to breathe, "I felt like a failure. My mother never liked me, not even my dad liked me that much, my step-dad tried but it was obvious that I was just his wife's son, only my cat Carter seemed to care. I was just a disappointment, a mistake. I didn't see a point to keep breathing. But I met you, and now I see a reason. But knowing me isn't gonna be sunshine and rainbows, you probably should just kick me out now."

"I don't want easy, easy is boring," you responded and it was true. As long as you had Ben, you would be happy.

When you woke up the next morning, Ben was lying next to you with his arms around you being all cuddly. You loved every moment of this. He was still asleep when you woke up. He snuggled closer to you and put his face into the crook of your neck when you tried to get out of bed.

"Ben," you whispered, gently shaking him away. When he woke up, he let go of you saying he was sorry that he was sleeping so close to you, "I actually liked it. You're so different than Jason."

"Well, I hope so."

While you were cleaning up the house since Emma hadn't done it in the past year you were gone, Ben had gone to his mother's and step-father's house to get his stuff. Although, now you were regretting cleaning the house as you sat on the couch holding onto a photo. Your dad, the last photo of him alive. It was you, Emma, and him smiling all together in the photo, you remembered that day so clearly. If only you could have gone back and hidden the car keys.

(Two Years Ago)

You laughed standing at the kitchen counter with your best friend Emma and your dad, him laughing holding his camera to take a photo with you two. As the film came out of the camera, you turned to Emma smiling, "someday dad will be getting one of those newfangled computers."

"I hope the flash didn't scare you two," your dad said putting the photo down on the counter along with his camera, but Emma snatched the photo away from your dad, "Okay Emma, thumbs up or thumbs down?"

"I might just allow this one onto the fridge," Emma said, "but the camera flash made my hair look all weird."

"You don't exactly have the most normal hair colour right now Emma," you said looking at Emma's hot pink hair, but Emma just shrugged grabbing a magnet and placing the picture onto the fridge.

"Whatever, I'm not the one crushing on some music guy on Youtube," Emma laughed as she jumped up on the kitchen counter to get the pancake mix from the cupboards.

"The dude is talented and underrated!" you argued back, it was true. RustyCage352 was one of your favourite YouTubers, you liked his covers and honestly thought he was so talented. Little did you know that you'd actually meet him one day.

Your dad was about to start making pancakes but was interrupted by a phone call. You and Emma listened from the kitchen realizing he was talking to your mum who would still be at work right now.

Your dad picked up the phone, "Hey honey. What?" You and Emma were listening in, "oh I didn't know you needed to get groceries. Of course, I'll come to pick you up." You watched as your dad put down his phone and started looking around for his keys, "shit, where are my keys." He said out loud as you picked up the keys from beside the fruit bowl.

"Right here, dad!"

"That's a dollar for the swear jar!" you heard Emma yell from inside the kitchen as you laughed at her antics.

"You mean the college fund!" Your dad said before thanking you for the keys and leaving out the door.

You bit your lip at the memory of your dad's death. You had been a fan of Ben all the way since then, but it was when your dad had died that you really became a fan. Watched him almost every day because he made you happy.

You got snapped out of your thoughts by Ben entering the house with a box in his hands and a fast food bag on top of the box. He placed down the box at the kitchen table along with the bag as he pulled out some burgers, you were looking inside the box noticing it was some of Ben's stuff as he offered you a burger.

You noticed it started to rain a few minutes after you and Ben ate. The pitter-patter of the rain echoed around the still living room, you watched lazily as the raindrops slithered down the window slowly before they fell onto the windowsill and disappeared completely. The movie you and Ben were watching now just becoming white noise. Ben was sound asleep on the couch with you, his arms wrapped tightly around your midsection while his head rested on your chest, rising and falling with each breath you took.

Your fingers danced lazily on the nape of his neck, effortlessly making their way up and into his hair where they ruffled through. A sharp snore emitted from his mouth making you tense up, his arms tightening around you before loosening a smidgen. The warmth was making you feel sleepy and combined with the soothing rain sounds, you could feel yourself drifting away.

When you woke up, you were cold. That's when you noticed that Ben wasn't with you anymore, you pulled yourself off the couch looking around the house for him hoping he hadn't gone outside.

You eventually found him inside your bathroom, he was laying on the tile floor, an extension cord around his neck almost like a noose. You ran over to him holding his head off the floor seeing blood staining his shirt sleeve. You started to cry while shaking him, why didn't he wake you up? Why did he even do this?

"Ben! Please wake up! Ben!" You cried shaking him. His eyes opened looking up at you almost shocked that he wasn't dead. You held onto him tightly crying into his shoulder, Ben's arms slowly going around you worried. Your heart was shattering into thousands of tiny fragments at the thought of him doing this to himself or at the thought that you could have lost him.

You tore your shirt the end of your shirt using the fabric to apply pressure to the cuts so they wouldn't bleed too much.

"Fuck Ben," you didn't know what to say as you were finally able to control your emotions and look down at the cuts on his arms, they didn't seem to be too deep at least.

"I'm sorry I scared you, I just wanted the pain to end."

"I just can't believe that you went through that or even told me, I could have helped."

Ben looked at you, pushing your hair behind your ear, "I'm not going to do that ever again. I found my reason to carry on."

"Can I ask what's your reason?"

"You."

You leaned your face into his hand, feeling calmer at his touch. You didn't know how to feel about being his reason to carry on but if you made him feel worth something then that was enough for you.

What you didn't know was how much Ben wanted to kiss you. He had fallen in love with you so hard in these past two days. He wanted to hold you, kiss you and love you. Was the alcohol bringing out his deepest feelings? He wasn't exactly sure.

"You're too good for me. You understand me and forgive me. Why can't you be mad at me?"

"Because getting mad will only make it worse," you tried to explain to him.

"You understand."

"I do Ben."

"I think that makes you way too good for me," he said as you noticed how close you two were. Slowly leaning towards each other as you started to close your eyes.

"Just..." Ben tried to say but ended with a whisper, "too perfect." His lips pressed against your own.

You kissed him back, your hand going around his neck untying the extension cord letting it fall to the ground. Full of love and passion as you two kissed. So much different than Jason which was always so forced but with Ben, you felt like you were on cloud nine.

When you two pulled away, you looked at Ben, his eyes were still red from crying last night. Ben sighed looking away from you, "I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love again but then you entered my life. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. If you want me to leave, I will and you'll never have to see me again, have a normal life."

You shook your head at him, laying your head on his shoulder, "I don't want you to leave Ben, I love you, I want you to stay forever. My life was so grey and boring before you."

"I heard what Jason told you when he was holding his gun to you," Ben whispered, his hand going through your hair to calm you, "but he was wrong, I would miss you. If he comes back here trying to hurt you, I will knock him the fuck out."

"You shouldn't," you said looking at his arm at all the little cuts on his arms, "things will only get worse."

"I hate to sound like a whiney bitch but what exactly are we?"

"Whatever you want us to be Ben," you smiled up at him.

"I want us together. I want to take you on dates, kiss you, hold you, and just love you. I want you to love me back."

"I want all that too. We'll get past everything that life throws at us."

After the few days that you and Ben had been together, he knew something was up when he went to your house after getting food and you were very drunk and stressed out. You drunkenly told him about your family, mainly your mother and siblings. He knew basically everything about your dad. Ben let you spew out about your relationship with your family until you finally share that your mum asked you to come over for the dinner and wanted to repair the relationship. He was a bit shocked by that but didn't show it. He held you as you cried about your stress until you fell asleep.

You woke up in bed, not remembering the night before. You facepalmed as you realized you had drunk the night before. The stress definitely got to you. As you sat up your head ached and you groaned. You sluggishly slipped out of bed. You were close to the kitchen but you practically jumped out of your skin when you heard a voice say "you okay?" from the living room.

"Jesus fucking Christ," you say, both in reaction to the scare and the headache that worsened from it. You shuffle to the living room and see Ben. When you see him suddenly memories flow in from the night before. You instantly go to apologize but Ben stops you.

"Save it. It's fine." He says and stands up. Walking over to you. "I know how stressed you were. You told me everything." He said and you sighed. Leaning on the wall. You felt horrible. He patted your shoulder "just call me next time before you binge drink." It was the weirdest thing to hear advice like that from Ben.

Eventually. After you downed pickle juice. You discussed your stress. Ben actually wanting to hear it when you weren't wasted. The story came out the same but with fewer tears. Ben pointed out. You playfully hit his arm and he grinned. You were shocked when he offered to go with you. He said he's been wanting to get out and go somewhere plus he wanted to be at your defence you wondered how much you really told him last night...

You and Ben stayed with each other a lot during the days leading up to you guys leaving. He probably wanted to make sure you didn't drink over stress again but Ben was sometimes hard to read.

The day of you was a nervous wreck and desperately wanted to take a detour to the nearest bar before you ever entered your mother's house again. But you didn't. Once you got there, the tension was so thick it couldn't be cut with a knife. The house was full of people you cut out from your life but Ben being there helped out. He seemed on guard whenever your mother was around you. You desperately wished you remembered how much you told him when you were drunk.

The tension thinned slowly as people left. Night came around and there were 3 people in the living room. You, Ben, and your mother. Your mother said she wanted to speak with you. Ben wouldn't leave your side which made you feel safer. As soon as your mum spoke you felt guilt stab through you. Your mother had a superpower of making everything sound like it was your fault. You were hoping she forgot how to manipulate you but she hasn't. She knew all the things to make you crumble. Ben was quick to jump to your defence but he was talked over and interrupted.

"Look at you now. Even worse. Dating a street rat." As soon as he insulted Robert you stood up. Your dad followed suit. Robert jumped by your side.

"You have no right to speak to me or Benjamin like this. You were never around for me and when you were it was far worse than when you were gone. And you've obviously got no better. I doubt you ever even loved dad."

Your mother continued to hate on Ben and You. Your blood was boiling and you felt rage fill you. He started with a lot of Why questions. Like "Why take in someone like that" in reference to Ben.

"Why him? A-" You cut him off.

"Because I love him!" You shouted. Ben was a bit thrown off guard by your statement but was brought back to reality as there was a loud sound of skin on skin contact that echoed the room. You were thrown off balance by the throw your mother hit you with. You caught yourself but couldn't move after that. Shock held you still. You could barely process the fact Ben had pushed your mother away so hard then she fell backwards. Before your head could catch up Ben was dragging you to your car. Thankfully you weren't parked at the house. He stopped before either of you entered the car.

"Babe... Are you alright" He said. Next thing you know you were sobbing into his chest. You regretted ever coming. You almost didn't hear his mumbles but you heard him say 'Im here don't worry' and you felt your heart stop when he said 'i love you too' You melted in his embrace and soon calmed down. You entered the car and fell asleep, tired from the events of the day and Ben drove home.

When you woke up, Ben was carrying you inside the house up the stairs to your guys' bedroom and onto your bed.

"Seems like we both have bitchy mothers," you looked up from your lap to see Ben taking off his shirt and pulling on a tank top to sleep in before he turned to you.

"She didn't care about my dad," he looked at you as you spoke, "she barely even cried at his funeral, she brought her new boyfriend to the funeral even! Just a few days after he died. The only reason she married him is that she got knocked up by him with me and wanted to make sure he'd pay child support." You held your face in her hands crying on the bed as Ben knelt down to you, "a way for more money, that's all I was to her. Then the day my dad died, the money stopped and I was practically forgotten."

"I think I should be honest with you," you looked up at Ben confused, "I've tried to kill myself a few times. One of the worst times was with my step-dad's gun. I found it while my mom and step-dad were watching TV. I had been doing whatever kind of drugs it was that day. I went downstairs with the gun and stood in front of my parents telling them I was gonna shoot myself. My mom being herself told me to fuck off. My step-dad is the one to stop me and take the gun away and yelled at me to never do that again."

"If you ever need help just let me know. I'd be happy to help as much as I can, Ben."

"Thank you."

Tomorrow you and Ben spent the morning looking for a counsellor online to help Ben. Finally finding a counsellor that seemed pretty good, you decided to call them. "Hey, I'm calling for my boyfriend," you said into the phone.

"May I talk to him?"

You gave the phone to Ben, he gave his full name and age. The phone was on speaker as you heard everything that Ben and the doctor were saying. The first question being have you ever tried to commit suicide? Ben looked at you almost shamefully and whispered, "yes...twice."

Another question was have you ever self-harmed? Then have you ever taken any dangerous or illegal drugs? He answered yes to both of the questions and just went the doctor was about to ask another question, Ben turned the phone off speaker and left to the porch outside to keep talking to the doctor. Was he hiding something from you?

Jason used to hide things from you. What did Ben have to hide? What is the worse thing that he could have done that you couldn't know?

Ben came back a few minutes later all silent as he gave you your phone and went over to your couch with a bottle of alcohol in his hands.

"Twice?" you asked entering the living room.

"Rather not talk about it," he said as he pulled off the lid drinking right out of the bottle.

You sighed. You knew that you should have respected him but you didn't as you snapped, "don't hide things from me! Jason used to do that to me! And I fucking hated it!"

"Jason is your excuse for everything isn't he?!" Ben snapped at you getting off the couch and over to you.

You got blinded by your anger and started to poke him in his chest for every word you said, "well you aren't Mr Perfect! You always say 'I was high' or 'I was drunk!' You can't keep using alcohol and drugs to protect you!"

"Well, maybe I didn't want to tell you the time I got beat up in an alley and robbed! I could barely breathe! I was laying on the concrete and fucked out of my mind. I had nothing! I had nobody to call for help, I couldn't fucking carry on! So I cut myself! I was bleeding out in a dark alleyway! So I'm sorry if that story makes me feel so shitty that I don't want to talk about it!" He shouted at you as you almost instantly calmed down as a tear ran down your cheek.

"Ben..." you said, you tried to put your hand on his arm but he just pushed you away and went to the front door with the bottle of alcohol in his hand.

"Don't even try. Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm scaring you as Jason did," he said turning the door as he grabbed his jacket.

"Ben, please don't-"

"Don't fucking bother!" he shouted leaving out the door and slamming the door.

One hour passed and he hadn't returned. Two hours, still no Ben. Three hours. You were going out of your mind. Did he not want to ever see you again? You stared at his phone on the kitchen table meaning calling him was off the table. Four hours. Then five hours. Six hours. Seven hours. You were scared that Jason would come back and hurt you.

Emma was probably the only one that would answer her phone at this our so you decided to call her. You were already crying when she picked up and asked what was wrong. You told her to come to the house quickly because Ben had been missing.

When she got there, you two got into your truck and started driving down the streets looking for Ben. Emma was looking out the window when she turned to you, "you know, you can't blame everybody for everything wrong in your life. It's just not fair."

You glanced over at her for a second before looking back at the road, "I gotta blame somebody. Otherwise, it's all my fault. Fuck that!"

"So now it's Ben's fault too?!"

"Jesus! He just left out the door all because I wanted to fucking help him! Bitch doesn't even care about me, Emma! I can't trust anyone that isn't you again. Everybody pretends to care until they don't. Even the man I love!"

"You better take that back right now. I may not know Ben enough but I know just from how you talk about him that he does love you."

"Okay fine...But you just don't understand. It's like I'm being punished by the universe."

"So who do you most want to blame?"

You looked over at her when you two got stopped by a red light, it was now 2 in the morning and still no Ben, "you know who I want to blame? My fucking dad of course!"

"You're blaming your dad? Really?"

"Yes, I do. Damn right. He chose to go out that door and leave me forever, just like Ben!"

"Your dad didn't choose to 'leave' you."

"I know that Emma. I actually blame myself...If I had just hidden those fucking keys maybe he would still be here. Sometimes I even blame my mum."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, Emma, I do. Do you know how it feels to wait for your father to come home when you're a kid? And he never does?"

"No, of course not. But I was with you that day. It was just a terrible accident!"

"I wish that made me feel better. But ever since he died, my life has been dipped in shit."

"You don't want to hear this but you're still here. Alive. With me. With Ben...And that is no accident."

"You're right, I don't want to hear this." You got out of the truck telling Emma just to go back to Noelle and that you would find your own way home. Emma listened and left as you walked down the streets calling Ben's name.

"Well, what do we have here."

You froze when you reached an alleyway that reeked of alcohol and weed. Three men were in the alleyway, the first man being rather short with greying brown hair around the sides and bald on top. The second being the tallest of the three with shaggy red hair, blue eyes and a beard. He was wearing a grey jumper under a blue denim jacket that you thought you saw blood on. And the last one had black hair, blue eyes, a goatee, and a badly ripped green tank top that can't even be considered clothes from how much it was ripped.

The third man grabbed you quickly before you could try to run away, the first man licking his lips looking at you. The second man walked closer to you dragging you into the alley and pushing you onto the ground of the alleyway, kissing all over you as the two other men watched palming their jeans.

The second man started to grope you while you were trying to push him off but to no avail since he was a lot stronger.

"Come on doll, it won't hurt," the second man laughed to himself. You cried as you tried to kick him but he just laughed and pulled your shirt off of you.

It wasn't until your pants were almost off that you heard Ben, he was talking to himself obviously drunk as you cried out to him, "Ben! Please help!" You were scared that Ben would get hurt but what other choices did you have? Let these three men have their way with you?

The second man was pulled off of you by his collar and slammed into the brick wall, his head hitting the brick obviously cracking his skull as the second man fell to the floor unconscious. You scrambled to your feet grabbing your shirt off the ground. Ben went over to the first man and started to punch him hearing the snap when Ben broke the man's nose.

"Do you know how to keep your filthy hands off my girl?" Ben glared at the man punching him harder, not noticing the third man running away out the alley already terrified that he would get beating up next, "rape is never okay! Learn some respect you retarded cunts!"

When the first man was knocked out, Ben pushed him into the concrete. You should have been scared of Ben at this moment but you weren't. He had saved you. When you thought he hated you and never wanted to see you again, you were wrong.

"Are you alright?"

You looked up at Ben, holding your shirt up to your chest still feeling the man's hands all over you. You simply nodded as Ben looked down at you, the smell of alcohol and weed all over him but you couldn't even care at this point.

"What are you doing out here at this hour! Do you have any idea what would have happened if I hadn't-"

"You saved me-" you cut him off looking up at him, tears already welling in your eyes.

"Well, of course, I saved you. You think I would be able to live with myself if anything happened to-"

You cut him off once again as you wrapped your arms around him crying into his shoulder. Ben didn't exactly know what to do but wrapped his arms around you, his hands going to your hair to try and comfort you.

"Let's find a bus and go home," he said making you look up at him as he kissed your forehead.

When you two arrived back home, Ben told you to stay downstairs for a bit while he gets something prepared upstairs. After watching about twenty minutes of a movie, Ben came back to you and led you upstairs to the bathroom where the smell of lavender filled your nose.

Once he left the room to deal with something, your attention turned towards the bathroom. You had been so lost in your own mind that you didn't even hear the water running. But you knew that this bath would help you relax after the overwhelming feeling you had since before Ben's disappearance and the men that had assaulted you. As you began making your way towards the bathroom, you removed your clothing.

Stepping into the tub, a sigh pulled at your lips as the warmth of the water surrounded your feet. As you sunk down into it and made yourself comfortable against the edge, you could easily feel your muscles relax with in the first few minutes. It made you close your eyes as you relaxed even more.

The sound of Ben's footsteps reentering the bathroom had filled your ears, but you never once looked his way. You could easily hear as he sat down right next to the tub. Lifting your hand up, you placed it at the edge of the tub, almost seeking out his hand.

A smile pulled at Ben's lips as he reached out and took a hold of her hand and placed a kiss to it.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as he watched you. His thumb running over your knuckles as he did. 

"Better," you said with a slight nod of your head. "I almost forgot how I can be. I'm lucky to have you, Ben."

He chuckled slightly. "You'll be able to rest now. I dealt with everything. Those men won't get away with hurting you."

You knew the world didn't stop just because of your depression hit or because of Ben being your knight in dark armour. There would always be stuff that needs to be taken care of.

"Thank you." You said as you looked over at him. A sigh passed your lips before you continued. "For taking care of me even though there are more...important things to take care of."

"I will always be here for you, and so will Emma." He promised as he ran his thumb continued to run over your knuckles. "You are important to me as well, love."

"Even when I'm still broken beyond repair?" Your voice broke as you spoke. Your eyes filled with tears.

He shook his head slightly. "You aren't broken. You never have been-" He wanted you to understand that he never saw you as anything fragile or broken as you had suggested. He knew that without you, he would be dead.

"People, that have visions of harming themselves, they're broken?" You asked cutting him off. While you knew all about the gory details of his past, yours had been different, especially this time. The demons in your head were pulling new tricks and it scared you to see the new lengths they were willing to go to this time.

At the question, Ben's eyes widened for a moment. "When?"

You looked down at the bubbles that still surrounded yourself. "When Emma and I made dinner a few weeks ago, actually the day before I met you." You said with a slight nod. "It was when I was cutting the vegetables for the soup. We were talking one moment and then the next I could clearly see it in my head as I sliced through my fingers just for the hell of it." You bit down on your lip to keep a sob from passing your lips. "And then the next moment I'm still cutting vegetables as Emma was laughing about something her podcast said."

"Have there been others?" He asked as he watched you. He wanted to know how bad your mind had gotten this time. While he couldn't do anything to help heal your mind, he was there for you as much as possible.

You nodded your head slightly at his question. "But there's nothing to prove that I am. No mark of a hex anywhere. Nothing to say that it is anything else but my own mind. I didn't have another one until a few days ago."

Even as you spoke you hated the thoughts that formed in your head. It was as if you could still see the images so clearly even though it had been days or weeks ago that you had them. The demons in your head taunted you with the images. Images of things you had never would imagine yourself doing.

"It happened while we were sitting at the dumpsite when I made that fire," you said as you looked over at him. You could see the worry in his eyes. It had been something you had seen every day recently. "I don't think I need to tell you the details that played through my head."

"What can I do?" He asked as he squeezed your hand gently.

"Everything you've already been doing." You knew it wasn't much of a helpful answer at that moment, but it is exactly what you needed. Besides, Ben already had a lot to deal with, he couldn't take care of your problems too while taking care of his own. "Encourage but don't push, be there with me even if it is just to sit there in silence." A small smile tugged at your lips. "Love me unconditionally as you have been. I know I'll get better. It's just gonna take some time."

He brought yours and his hands up to his lips as he kissed the back of your hand. "These thoughts you've had, should I be concerned?"

You shook your head. "No." Your voice was firm in your answer. "They are just tricks that my mind likes to throw at me to see how much I'll break. But I've been a whole lot worse than this and I've made it back to being myself. I wouldn't do that to you. Not when we've promised to love each other." That had caused you both to give a chuckle. "Plus I've managed to get out of bed for over six hours, and I've cried, I'd call that progress."

You aren't exactly sure how it happened, but when you got out of the tub an hour later when the water started to get cold. You were now in bed with Ben but instead of sleeping, you were laying on the bed with Ben at your thighs.

Your mouth fell open, his name slipping off your tongue as his lips glide against your inner thigh. Your hands pulling against the black-tie, that holds your wrists to the headboard of the queen-sized bed. His constant touch on your skin giving you an ache to run your fingers through his brown hair. Feeling a cold absence between your legs, you open your eyes and look at where he was. The brown-haired boy standing at the end of the bed, black skinny jeans, and boxers both in a pool at his ankles. You watch as he walks to the side of the bed untying your hands before crawling on and settling between your thighs again. Laying down his chest against yours all his weight on his forearms, you look into his icy grey eyes.

"We don't have to do this love. We can stop now." A small hint of worry flashed behind his eyes but soon vanishes when you say you're ready. Passionately he pressing his lips against yours as he slides himself slowly into you causing you to grip his biceps. Kissing away any stray tears he slides all the way in, stopping all movements so you can adjust. The pain soon vanishes causing a small moan to leave your lips.

"Benjamin you can move now." Kissing you lightly he starts with small and slow thrusts. Your eyes closed and your head pushes further into the pillow, it's not rough but loving and passionate, something so intimate. Your back arches up into his torso as a ball of heat forms in the bottom of your stomach. "B-Ben.....I'm c-close" you moan loudly as he covers your mouth.

"Shhh love we don't want the neighbours to hear us." His thrusts sped up and become rougher, "cum for me baby". That is enough to send you over the edge. Your back arching, toes curling, and the only thing heard are your muffled moans and skin hitting skin. Your walls continued to convulse milking him into his own orgasm, his grunts becoming louder. Slowly pulling out he lays down next to you, both of you trying to catch your breaths. You feel his soft lips against my temple, "I didn't hurt you did I, love?" He looked into your eyes searching for a sign of pain.

You shook your head at him kissing him one more time before you cuddled into him and fell asleep.

When you woke up, you went to wrap your arm around Ben but didn't feel him beside you. You got out of bed putting on a pair of shorts and one of Ben's shirts hearing muffled crying coming from the bathroom. You knelt down to the door knocking on it gently.

"Ben, are you okay? Do you want to be alone?" you asked hearing the crying stop but Ben still choking back a sob.

"No," you heard Ben say, his voice was thick from crying so much, "I just think its best right now that we aren't in the same room."

"Ben, babe. You don't have to be alone if you don't wanna be."

"I'm not in the best mood and I don't want to lash out at you so I'm staying in here until I'm okay."

You sighed telling him that you would be downstairs if he needed you, him thanking you as you went downstairs.

Ben had been crying. He was using all the strength that he had to not hurt himself or go out and get completely wasted hoping for an overdose. He wanted to but he knew that would hurt you. He didn't want to tell you about the dream he had, the reason he was crying right now. He wanted to tell you at the same time but was scared of how you would react. Scared that you would take him to a fucking mental hospital which was one of his worst fears. It wouldn't be his first time going to one but he absolutely hates that place.

The more he thought, the worse he started to feel. On on hand, he thought that you'd be okay and try to help him but on the other, he thought this would be too extreme and that you'd kick him out and never want to see him again. He already knew from the fire incident and last night that you were dealing with your own issues and didn't think you needed more.

He screamed your name as loudly as possible. He couldn't breathe. He was panicking.

He unlocked the door and collapsed into your arms, sobbing his heart out. You didn't know what to do except hold him. You got him into your room and onto your bed holding him close to you. 

"Can I tell you something?" He asked, his face hidden in the crook of your neck.

"You know you can tell me anything," you replied kissing the top of his head, "I'll be there for you if you ever need it."

"I know but it's really fucked up and I'm scared you'll judge me."

"You can tell me, Ben. I'll never look at you differently."

"I had a dream," he choked back a sob, "I killed my parents and little brother. The worst part is that I was smiling while I did it. I still remember the look my little brother gave me while I held the gun to his head. I hate what I had done but liked the feeling it gave me. It's so fucked up!"

"Hey, hey, it was just a dream. Those can't be controlled."

"I then held the gun to my head about to pull the trigger, that's when I woke up."

"You need to remember that wasn't real."

"I wanted to cut."

"Did you?"

"No. You're the reason I didn't. I knew it would hurt you if I did."

"I'm proud of you."

He gave a small smile, "how are you coping?"

"I'm honestly okay. Those three didn't manage to get what they wanted because of you, you practically saved my life, Ben. I'm angrier at the fact that those three thought that was okay and that they would get away with it."

"I want to kill them for touching you like that. I'd kill them and actually enjoy it. Along with Jason that fucking prick."

"We would all enjoy killing Jason. But we're not supposed to talk about the homicidal thoughts we get."

"I love you."

"I love you too Ben."

Ben pressed a kiss to your cheek and smiled at you. He started to kiss your jaw and left kisses down your neck, running his hand through your hair.

Ben was so perfect for you. You loved him and he loved you. He wasn't just around to use you like Jason or not just around to hurt you. He was with you because he loved you and he meant so much to you.

"You're so perfect," you whispered.

"I ain't perfect," Ben shook his head.

"You are to me."

He kissed you one last time before falling asleep holding you which you slowly fell asleep too. For the first time in a long time, Ben didn't have a nightmare. Instead, it was a dream. You and Ben were telling each other how much you loved each other and frankly just loving each other. You were everything that Ben needed.

You woke up to Ben coming upstairs with a plate of nachos and a cup of coffee. Ben sat done on the bed beside you giving you the cup and plate before he grabbed his guitar off the ground.

"I brought some nachos for you, I know it's not exactly a breakfast food but like nachos are good, especially with Sargento cheese."

You thanked him. While eating the nachos, Ben was stealing some off of you but you didn't mind, as long as Ben was eating. While eating, Ben was sitting on the bed with you playing his guitar, practising on a new song.

"New song?" you asked taking a drink of your coffee.

Ben nodded, "about you."

You smiled at this listening to him play. He was actually writing a song about you, his twitter was already aware of you two being together but now he was actually making a song about you.

Your day was perfect. You and Ben just cuddling and being happy together while watching some movies and tv shows. You were so happy just getting to spend time with the man that you loved but after some time, Ben's mood started to change

"What's wrong?" you asked. It was such a simple question but you both blew it.

"What, so I stop talking and something is wrong?" Ben snapped at you.

"No, it's just that you were shaking and trying not to cry, I got worried and thought something was wrong," you said, your voice starting to break. You didn't want another fight.

"I'm not trying to cry," he choked rubbing his eyes furiously.

"Ya right."

"Now you're accusing me of lying!"

"I never said you were! Stop twisting around my words, Jason used to do that!"

"Oh boohoo. Jason was such a dick to you and you have to compare me to him every time something I do is wrong. What's next? When someone dies are you gonna compare them to your dad?"

"Jason was an asshole, Ben! But you know what, I'm not the one that has a mental breakdown every day and snap at the ones that care about me."

"I told you I'm not perfect!" he shouted.

"I never said you had to be!" you shouted back at him.

"Fuck this!" he yelled getting off the couch and over to the kitchen where the front door was, "I'm going out. Call me when you're gonna grow up and not snap at me."

"You can't go out every time something goes wrong! You're an adult Benjamin!"

"Fucking watch me!" He yelled slamming the front door behind him.

You felt rage take over you as you grabbed your coat and walked all the way to the dumpsite that you sent on fire a while ago, now the fire being put out and just stared at the burnt waste.

You felt the tears welling in your eyes as you spotted a baseball bat grabbing it off the ground. Your phone went off from a text from Emma but you ignore it as you started smashing shit in the dumpsite.

Walking up to mannequin, you stared at the broken piece of plastic, "you know they're fake yet you can't take your eyes off them. Who else do I know that fits that description?" You asked yourself before swinging the bat at the mannequin's head knocking it right off. 

Knocking down a box, you looked down at it seeing a camera fall out. You picked it up, "never understood your hard-on for cameras, dad. You took a million photos of us and not one of them showed that you were gonna leave when I needed you most." 

You threw the camera in the air before hitting it with the bat watching it fall apart.

Walking around the dumpsite, you stopped at the sight of a car that looked like it had gotten hit by another car with the driver's side all smashed in. You dropped the baseball bat on the ground, "dad..."

You placed your hand on the hood of the car, "it should have been me, I should have been the in the car. Not dad. He never did anything wrong."

Ben was all the way at the bar, he didn't understand what made him so angry. Ben did one of the only things he knew how to do right. Order a bunch of alcohol and drink till he couldn't feel any pain anymore. He was unable to understand why you cared or even loved him.

His phone was ringing in his pocket, looking at the picture of you on the caller ID, he rolled his eyes ignoring the call until the ringing stopped. He didn't want to talk to anyone, especially you at the moment. 

"Hey dude, that's your tenth drink," Ben glanced at the person who sat down beside him.

Ben shrugged looking down at his glass, "everyone seems against me."

"It's okay, man."

"Don't tell me what's okay and what's not okay. Just go fuck yourself."

"If you wanna be happy, take these," Ben looked at the man who was holding two small yellow pills in his hand.

"I'm not into that shit anymore. I promised my girlfriend that I wouldn't do that anymore."

"Come on you'll forget all type of pain. If your whore cares, where is she then?"

Ben filled with rage getting off the chair at the counter and punching the man right in the nose hearing the crack of his nose. "She's no whore. Get the fuck away from me." Ben snapped at the man. Sure he wasn't in the best state of mind but he sure would defend you from anyone.

Ben finished his drink and stumbled out of the bar. The man was following him as Ben felt all dizzy and tired, he could barely breathe as he tried to walk to his friend Tyler's house since it was the closest although he hadn't talked to Tyler in a while and was wondering if Tyler even wanted to see him.

Ben crashed into an alleyway, covering his ears with his hands from all the noise around him.

The guy started to punch Ben. Pushing Ben to the ground and kicked him hard in the ribs. Ben yelled in pain trying to crawl away from the man but the drugs making him weaker. He got a punch in the eye as the man reached into Ben's pocket and pulled out the twenty dollars he had and left.

As Ben pulled out his phone, he went to call you but stopped himself. He didn't want to hurt the little bit of pride he still had and helped himself get off the ground and limped all the way back to your house. 

An hour later, he was knocking on your door but you didn't answer. He curled up on the doorstep crying as he looked at his now dead phone. He regretted ever leaving.

When you returned around two in the morning, you found Ben passed out on your porch as you rushed over to him shaking him awake. Ben opened his eyes looking up at you seeing how red your eyes were from crying so much in the dumpsite.

"What the fuck happened to you, Ben?" 

"Don't even fucking ask, just let me in the house."

You pulled the key to your house out of your pocket unlocking the door as Ben limped into the house. You saw that he was twitching and grabbed his arm, "have you been taking drugs? Because you're twitching so much that it looks like you've taken ecstasy or something like that shit."

"Cunt fucking spiked me," he mumbled pushing your arm off him, "and then he fucking followed me beating me up then robbed me."

"Maybe you shouldn't have fucked off then!"

"The only reason he started shit with me is that I said that you aren't a whore," he snapped.

You stopped speaking and just stared at him. He had gotten hurt and robbed all because he was defending you. You felt tears welling your eyes again just like back in the dumpsite.

You walked into the living room where there was more light, "come here, Ben."

"No."

"Please don't be difficult."

Ben sighed coming over to you into the light as you looked at all the damage. Getting a washcloth and dabbed his face with the wet cloth, him wincing at the pain. When you finished, you brought him upstairs to your room and sitting down on the bed, wrapping your arm around him letting him lay his head on your chest which was something he liked doing when he felt emotional.

"Ben, I love you," you whispered kissing the top of his head wrapping your arms around him, "but if this is gonna be a regular thing then maybe we need to rethink our relationship. Stuff like this can't keep happening every time we argue."

"I love you too," Ben mumbled hiding his face in the crook of your neck, "I just struggle to show it. I'm sorry."

You ran your hand through his hair trying to hold back your tears, "Ben you can show it, you have. But beating people up for me is not showing it. This isn't you. It gets you hurt. I don't love the drunk asshole version of Ben, I love the Ben that is there for me and is just himself."

"I'm a terrible person Ben," he cried into the crook of your neck.

"Ben, look at me," Ben shook his head but you got up and made him look at you, "you are a good person. You're amazing, but you need to stop going out and doing this to yourself. It hurts me and it hurts you. Are you happy right now?"

"No."

"You don't need to drink and take drugs for you to be happy. What do you want the most in your life? I want to know what makes you happy."

"You. You make me happy."

"How do I make you happy?"

"Because you love me. All I wanted in life was someone to love me for who I am and I'd feel the same about them."

"So what could you do instead of going out and getting drunk and wasted?"

"Talk to you." 

"And what if you don't want to talk?"

"We could cuddle or watch a movie. Maybe fuck but that's optional." He smiled slightly at the last comment.

"Exactly," you smiled down at him as he laid in his head on your chest listening to the sound of the rain hitting the window.

"I was thinking about Jason," Ben sighed, "all the shit he did to you. I just couldn't think about you in pain. I want him dead. I love you, really I do. I hate to think about him hitting you, shouting at you and trying to...well you know. It drives me mad. I can't believe anyone would treat you like that."

"Then don't."

"I can't stop it."

"Yes, you can."

"How?" he asked.

"Just like this," You kissed him. Ben was unable to form an actual thought as his mouth opened into the kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth. All Ben could do was react. But, even if his brain wasn't totally working, he couldn't turn it off as you guys kissed. He ran his fingers across your ribs as you arched your back straddling him.

Your lips pulled against each other. All Ben could do was keep breathing as you run your hands down his chest, grinding your hips against his. Ben was wishing you would stop doing that so he could keep some sort of self-control. But apart of him made him hope that wasn't what you were looking for.

He leaned down against you, his hands grazing the back of your shirt all the way down to the rise of your behind. You pulled your lips away from him, letting out a shaky laugh.

"You sure?" you asked. Ben would have said yes immediately but his brain was so far gone that he only seemed to be able to say your beautiful name. He dropped his hands down under your butt, grabbing your thighs and lifting you up into him. You let out a tiny squeal of surprise as you wrapped your legs around his waist. 

When you woke up the next day, you pulled on a hoodie and jeans and started to shake Ben awake. When he woke up, you kissed his cheek telling him you wanted to go somewhere. He nodded putting on his black avian crux shirt and black skinny jeans. He also fixed his hair and put on his black hat.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked when you two left the house.

"Something to eat." You told him.

"Remember I was robbed," he said saddened.

"Yeah I do but I have money, so name what you want and I'll buy it."

"I actually have a funny story," you looked over at him as you two crossed the road, "I was sixteen and my three friends and I broke into a concession stand and stole a broken slushie machine. We ended up getting caught and put on house arrest for six months. That's when I learned how to make music. Stealing that slushie machine but probably the best thing I ever did."

You laughed kissing him on the cheek.

"So Ben, how rusty is the cage?" you held back a laugh.

He grinned, "very."

When you guys reached the convenient store, you pushed the door open before stopping. Ben looked over at you confused watching you turn away from the store with your arms crossed almost pissed off. Ben looked inside the store seeing a man with green eyes, short black and grey hair, a scar over his left eye, a black moustache, and freckles on both of his cheeks.

Ben looked back at you as you gave him twenty dollars and said, "Get whatever you want, I'm staying out here."

"What's wrong?" Ben asked but you just shook your head telling him to forget it. 

Ben shrugged entering the store grabbing some candy and drinks and walked up to the convenience store owner asking him for a pack of cigarettes.

As Ben gave the man his ID to check, Ben heard the man he saw in the store before talking to a woman. Ben didn't want to intrude but saw the pair hugging out of the corner of his eye, that's when he recognized the woman, it was your mother. That's when they started to make out and Ben got out of there.

When you saw him, you grabbed his arm, "let's get going back home."

"Are we not gonna talk about what was inside?" Ben asked following you down the street.

"What is there to talk about?" you said stopping at a red light watching the cars drive by, "my mum is in there practically mouth fucking the man she was cheating on my dad with. I'm not like a butt hurt about it."

"But you're mad."

"So? It's not the best feeling in the world to find the man that your mother has been cheating on your dad with for years."

As soon as you two got home, Ben went straight to pouring himself a glass of whiskey and lighting a cigarette. You were pretty sure he had an issue with drinking too much but you couldn't blame him. 

"Ben," you whispered as Ben looked up at you, "before I met you, I wanted to die. I didn't see a use for me on this earth anymore. I had been haunted by nightmares of my dad's death, sometimes I would be the drunk driver that killed him and sometimes I would be in the car with him. I hated it."

"Come here."

You looked at him with his arms open towards you, you wiped the tears that were threatening to fall from your eyes and hugged him as tightly as you could, crying on his shoulder.

"I was hoping to get so drunk that I wouldn't wake up again the day we met," you cried as Ben nodded running his hand through your hair holding you close to him, "if I didn't meet you, I probably wouldn't be alive right now."

"Yesterday, where did you go when I left," Ben asked, "you were arriving home when you found me passed out on the doorstep and you looked like you had been crying, wanna talk about it?"

"I went to the dumpsite, the place I started the fire. Well, I was mad at basically everything, my dad, my mum, life, you. I ended up smashing the head of a mannequin imagining it was you, smashed a camera after insulting my dad. But when I turned my head over to the broken down cars." You choked back a sob, "it was my dad's car. It had the same butterfly keychain hanging on the mirror, it had to have been his car."

Ben moved some of your hair behind your ear, "I have to go take a shower but how about this when I'm done we'll just sit on the couch and cuddle."

You nodded saying you would like that and watched Ben go upstairs to the bathroom.

Ben was in the shower and trying his hardest to self-harm as he stared at the broken shaving razor, the razor still sharp on the edge of the shower. He couldn't fight it anymore and cut across his arm right by his elbow on the inside of his arm. He felt better but then a tsunami of guilt rushed over him knowing he had betrayed you.

He sighed getting out of the shower and making himself look better. When he came back downstairs finding you wearing a red flannel, black shirt and shorts. He sat down on the couch beside you and held you. He didn't want to lie and hide what he had done so he decided to tell you.

"I hurt myself again but it's only one tiny cut, I just thought I should tell you instead of lying and hiding it," he said quickly so he couldn't stop himself.

"I'm not gonna be mad but you really need to try to stop doing that," you said leaning into him as he nodded saying that he would, "now what movie do you want?"

Ben chose Taxi Driver. You had never seen it but Ben seemed to like it so you were happy to watch it with him.

"Why aren't you angry at me?" he asked quietly.

"Why would I be mad?" 

"Cause I just self-harmed and I told you I wouldn't," he said.

"Ben, if I was to get mad then it would just make it worse. I hate seeing you hurt and why would I act in a way to make it worse?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just insecure."

"It's okay," you kissed him, "you know I love you right?"

"I love you too."

Ben had decided to go on a walk to help clear his mind while you were upstairs listening to Ben's music on your headphones while reading. As you took off your headphones, you looked over at Ben's cat Carter and heard shouting and crying outside. It was muffled and distant so you decided to investigate leaving Carter asleep on your bed.

You unlocked your door looking out to find Ben on the porch crying as he was getting beaten up by Jason. Jason kicked Ben in the stomach multiple times over and over, the fury and rage in his eyes were almost animalistic like a wild beast.

Ben's face looked over at you as you ran over to one a woman that seemed a lot of older than you and Ben with messy black hair. "Can't you do something!" She just stared at you with no emotion in her face as if she wanted to step in but was too scared to. Getting sick of the woman, you tried to pull Jason off begging him to stop.

Ben was on his side choking on his cries, tears flooded his face and if not tears, then it was blood, bruises already appearing on his already slightly bruised face from the robbery.

"Jason! You're insane!" you were on your knees trying to shield Ben but doing nothing.

"Oh get one hit and I'm the mental one, he's the freak!" Jason exclaimed.

"You don't care do you, mom?" you looked down at Ben who was getting off the ground wiping the blood off his face, you looked at the woman watching as if it was a show glare at Ben as she left down the street. You watched as Jason went to hit you but Ben kicked him where it hurts. "If I ever see you here again Jason, I will fucking kill you," Ben glared at Jason as Jason glared at him and left.

You took Ben into your arms as Ben cried, "everybody hates me, everyone." He sobbed into your arms. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The words haunted you, the pain physical and mental.

"It's okay. I'm here, I won't let you get hurt," you hushed him holding him in your arms, "why did this happen?"

"I was coming home and saw Jason at your door trying to pick the lock. I started to argue with him to leave but he refused to and then he punched me. He ended up pinning me down on the ground and hurting me."

After doing all you could, you were finally able to guide Ben to your bedroom as you led him over to your bed telling him you would be right back with some medical supplies to help take care of him.

Coming back to the room a few minutes later, you found him huddled on his bed and had managed to calm himself to the point that it didn't look like he had been crying but his face was still horrific, he had Carter with him too, laying against him worried. You said his name as softly as possible, you sat next to him trying to raise his hands from his face. His cut-up skinny fingers and beat up knuckles defined his pain. Shielding something just more painful.

Seeing he was still all upset, you let him rest his head in your lap, stroking his brown hair letting your fingers comb through it, hoping he would go to sleep into a peaceful sleep. You tended to his small cuts and bruises that had consumed his face, taking care of them as carefully as possible. You got off the bed and started to fix his torso which was just as bruised and cut.

"Shit, you took one hell of a beating. I'm gonna freaking kill Jason," you whispered, as you stared at all his cuts and bruises, it was just saddening. Ben could be outwardly aggressive but seeing him now like this, it just broke your heart. It brought back memories of finding him when he was on your doorstep after being robbed.

You kissed Ben's head placing him back on the bed with Carter, you had to go do something that you should have done a long time ago.

You grabbed your phone inside the kitchen dialling the police. You knew you had so many charges against him, attempted murder, abuse, attempted rape and rape. You shook your head at the thought, sure you were over it but you still felt his hands all over you.

The call you made was such a hassle. Eventually, the police came and took your statement along with a photo of Jason so they could find him. One of the cops stayed behind though.

"So hey, you like dinner?" the cop asked leaning against your doorframe.

"Not interested buddy already got a great boyfriend," you grabbed the police officer's left hand, "also little hint next time you hit on someone, don't be wearing your wedding ring."

You closed the door and went upstairs to Ben who was sleeping curled up next to his cat Carter. You smiled looking at him and laid down beside him. You tried so hard to go to sleep but it never worked, no matter how close you laid next to Ben or how long you kept your eyes closed, dark thoughts plagued your mind.

You got out of the bed and went downstairs grabbing a bottle of vodka from Emma's room. You needed something to keep your mind off the dark thoughts plaguing your mind.

You heard a knock at the door and opened the door to see a woman was standing there with tie-up blue hair, tan skin, and brown eyes along with a star tattoo on her neck. You noticed she was wearing the black leatherman jacket that you had bought Emma for her sixteenth birthday.

"So, you're Emma's best friend?" she said as if she was almost shocked to see you standing there.

"What are you doing here, Noelle is it?" you questioned looking at her.

"I was wanting to drop something off for Emma inside her room," she said as you looked up at her, she was obviously much taller than you even if you wore heels, no wonder Emma loved her, she always was into taller girls.

"A gift? What is it?" you questioned her, "Emma isn't here right now, she's at her dad's house to take care of him."

She laughed a full-hearted laugh, "you're so curious and suspicious," she then leaned in closer as your face turned pink, she had her lips to your ear whispering, "don't worry, those photos of Emma in Victoria's Secret will never see the light of day."

"If they do, I'll know whose ass to blame," you said as you heard Noelle laugh in your ear a melodic laugh.

"A whole lot of ass in those photos," she smiled.

You whispered, "I hate you."

Noelle shrugged stuffing her hands into her jean pockets as she looked at her Gucci watch, "Doesn't really matter how you feel about me, as long as Emma and I are happy, I don't care who hates me..." 

Saying goodbye to Noelle, you went back upstairs finding Ben looking at himself using his phone camera, he seemed to be crying as you tried to pull the phone away from him. Ben clung to the phone however as you sighed.

"Ben..." you said trying to make him not look at himself in the camera but he pushed you away.

"Leave it alone," he muttered staring at his face, his bruised eye.

"I just want to help you."

"I don't need help! I'm not stupid or retarded! I can take care of myself!" he snapped throwing his phone at the wall as you heard the screen break.

"Why are you in such a bad mood?" you asked, tears already forming in your eyes as you watched Ben trying to stop himself from crying.

"Cause I look fucked. Life is fucked."

"Am I not good enough?" you were so quiet, tears falling from your eyes as you went to place your hand on his shoulder but when Ben flinched, you stopped yourself. 

Ben stayed silent. Unknown what to say. He thought that you were too good for him. He finally snapped out of his trance though when he saw you sobbing into your hands and shaking.

"I'm the one that isn't good enough," he said.

"Stop giving me all that bullshit Benjamin! I wouldn't be fucking with you if you weren't the best person I ever met!" you screamed at him, choking on your tears.

"Okay, here I'll say it, I'm sorry! But you know I'm telling the truth! Look at me, I'm the one here trying to kill myself. Do you really think that's good? Because if you do, then you need to get your fucking brain checked!"

"Just get the fuck out of my house!" you screamed at him.

"Fine!" he yelled back at you grabbing his coat off the ground and pushing the door open and leaving.

You fell onto the floor leaning against your bed for support as you hugged your knees to your chest. You needed someone to blame for all of this or else it was all your fault and you didn't even want to think about that possibility. You tried to blame Ben. Blaming him for being so self-destructive. But the more you tried to blame him, the more it turned against you. You were the one that got mad in the first place.

So instead of blaming Ben, you decided to blame Jason. It was his fault that you were now like this, you were so much happier before him. Jason was the one that made you feel so broken and like you weren't living, making you hate the air you breathe.

You bit your bottom lip hard as you grabbed your phone off the ground, scrolling for Ben's number and calling it. You couldn't stay mad at him, you loved him.

"Ben..." you whispered hearing him pick up the phone.

"Fuck off!" he replied, you could just tell that he had been crying.

"I'm sorry."

"Leave me alone!"

"I didn't mean what I said Ben, I was just caught up in the moment. I don't want you to leave."

"I'm not leaving. I'm outside on the porch."

"I fucking hate the way I acted."

"Well, everyone does stupid shit."

On the porch, Ben was staring down at his arm before rolling down the sleeve ignoring the fact the blood would stain his jacket.

"Just come back. Please?"

"There isn't anything to talk about."

"Yes, there is Ben. I just want to help. Please stop pushing me away. I'm worried."

Ben stayed quiet, lighting the joint he had in his pocket. You heard the sound of the lighter and sighed.

"Drugs doesn't help Ben."

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, it does. Let me help. Can't you see the way you are acting is wrong? Just talk to me. You're depressed Ben, I know you don't want to admit it, but you are and I want to make you better. Just tell me what is wrong and I can try to help. Don't treat me like this."

"You don't get it!" he yelled, "stop trying. I'll talk if and when I want."

"Then let me understand."

"You'll never understand. You were just some person that had a dad one day then didn't then get in an abusive relationship, then loving a man that can't even love himself. Do you know what it's like to be a poor bastard child who ends up fucking up everything, my mother hates me, my dad barely knows I exist, my brother and I haven't talked in three years. I've taken so many drugs that I don't even understand how I'm somehow still alive. I live every day wishing I had a rope around my neck. So stop trying to understand me."

You hung up the phone. You didn't know what to do. Trying to stop yourself from crying but failing miserably.

Ben stood in front of the front door with his hand on the handle thinking about all the times you had been there for him even if he didn't deserve it. He knew that he had done this to you and it made him feel so much worse.

He opened the door, running up the stairs up to your room and wrapping his arms around you tightly, your body shaking in his arms.

"I'm so sorry. It's not your fault."

"Can you just talk to me, please?" you asked, wiping your tears away with the back of your hand.

"Can we just...you know?"

You nodded and kissed him softly and passionately. Your hands running through his hair before wrapping your arms around his neck and him picking you up before laying you down onto the bed. His lips doing wonders on your skin, his tongue exploring your mouth. It reminded you of how much different he was then Jason and how grateful you were for having Ben. Your hands went from his shoulders to his back and then tugging his pants down.

His hands went to your hips, his thumb working the button of your pants loose. He hooked his fingers in the loop of your pants and carefully pulled them down your legs. You had both been moving so quickly, and despite this not being your first time together, you two looked at each other, stilling. 

You felt like you had an unfair advantage and reached behind your back unclasping your bra and feeling the protective fabric slip from your body. His attention going to your bare chest before back up to your own. He kissed down your neck, his hands sliding up from your hips.

"Breathe, babe." He reminded you as his hands reached your bare chest. He cupped them in his palms gently massaging them, his thumb going over your nipple as your back arched for the touch. Ben leaned down and placed kisses from your collarbone to your chest, taking a nipple in his mouth.

You were a complete mess. This was different then your other times with Ben, the other times were so rough and lustful, but this was different, almost as if this was your last time together. You felt so incredibly in love with Ben. He trailed his kisses down to your stomach, reaching your underwear. He looked up at you.

You nodded feeling the nerves tangle in your stomach. Ben pulled down your panties, throwing them to the floor where the other pile of clothes was. His hand made it way down your body, fingers passing the tuft of hair above your centre. His moved his fingers rubbing the soft flesh as a moan left your lips. Your arms wrapped around his back.

You had felt a wet heat pooling out of you since you two are started to make out and suddenly felt embarrassed about it. His kisses combined with the circles on your clit as you moaned, feeling a knot grow in your stomach.

"How does that feel babe?" Ben asked looking up at you.

"G-Good."

"You'll enjoy this even better."

You heard Ben grab something out of his pocket and pull down his boxers. Ben's hands were now on either side of his face as you moved your hands up intertwined your fingers. You looked up into his eyes and could basically hear your heart racing.

Ben carefully drew his hips forward before thrusting into you. Ben moaned, placing his head into the crook of your neck, remaining still allowing you to adjust. 

"Please move," you whispered making him look at you. Ben gently pulled back and then slid back in, earning a moan from both of you. Finding a steady rhythm, his thrusts were slow but deep. So much different than your other times with him. Ben's hands let go of yours and gripped onto the headboard.

You gripped his shoulders, pulling him into a passionate kiss. The air between you two became scorching, your bodies dripping of sweat. With a change in the direction of his hips, you were in ruins.

"Mmm...Rusty!" you cried out, surprising you both. He looked down at you in question for using his nickname, continuing his pace nonetheless, "sorry that was weird." You rush out between moans, Ben leant down and kissed right below your ear.

"Say it again," he whispered in your ear as you felt your insides clench at the demand, earning a moan from him.

"Rusty...Please Rusty!" you called and his thrusts became quicker, his hand reaching between both of you and rubbing the little bundle of nerves with his thumb. You wrapped your legs around his waist, a moan erupting in your throat as your orgasm tore through you, "Ben!" You moaned out.

Ben followed soon after, his hips stuttering as he came inside you with a shout. You both laid there beside each other in the aftershock. Ben's body grew heavy on your own. You didn't mind his weight though because you felt encompassed by him, completely sheltered from the world around both of you and wrapped your arms around him lazily. 

"I love you," you said. He pushed himself off of you and hovered above your face.

"You're just too good to me," he smiled at you, kissing you gently, "I love you too."

He laid on his back beside you, you wrapped your leg around his hip, pulling your face into his chest and locking your arm around his shoulder. You snuggled into him and his arms wrapped around you along with the blanket.

"Ben, can we talk?" you asked as he nodded.

"I was thinking about everything. About the stuff, my mom said, what Jason had done to you. It made me feel like shit, but I couldn't find you."

"You could have called for me. I wouldn't have been angry. I would have helped."

"I'm just so used to people getting pissed off and yell at me when I ask for help."

"I won't, Ben."

"You did earlier," he sighed.

"That's because you refused to talk to me and were doing drugs outside."

"I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you. I'm scared that you'll think that I'm just like Jason."

"You're nothing like Jason."

"I love you. I know I don't properly show it but I really do love you."

"I love you too, Ben."

You were snapped out of your thoughts by hearing a meow at the door and then Carter jumping onto the bed. Ben smiled picking up Carter bringing him closer. Ben started to cuddle with Carter as you smiled at the two before getting out of bed and getting dressed into one of Ben's shirts and a pair of shorts.

You heard a knock at the door, answering it and seeing Emma as you hugged your best friend tightly. 

"Hey, where's this Ben guy?"

"Oh just upstairs," you smiled, "I'll go get him, just stay here."

You went upstairs, seeing Ben looking at himself through the mirror inside your room. He was wearing a black button-up shirt, black jeans and his hat. You went up behind him wrapping your arms around him looking at both of you in the mirror.

"Do you think I look good?" He asked.

"Of course, why?" you replied.

"Cause I feel like I look like shit. I spent too long looking at the mirror I guess."

"You're so fucking attractive Ben, honestly don't even doubt it."

"See, that's one of the many reasons I love you. You're just so patient and you don't judge any of my bullshit."

"Ben, don't need to thank me. I help because I want to."

"I'm so happy that I met you."

Ben started to roll up his sleeves. You gave him a sad smile in the mirror. His scars were visible on his arms. You weren't ashamed or even really minded them but didn't want Emma to see.

"Ben, babe," you whispered, "can you roll your sleeves down? I know you have your reasons, and I don't mind them but I don't want Emma to see."

"You're embarrassed," he sighed.

"No, I'm not embarrassed. I just don't want Emma to see because I know Emma and I know she's a curious person that doesn't really know boundaries, she'll ask stuff like why or when. I just don't think you're ready to share that stuff with someone you barely know."

Ben nodded rolling his sleeves down, "I love you."

"I love you too."

You went downstairs and gave Emma a hug. She smiled pulling away from you and then giving Ben a hug which Ben tensed at but then softened.

"So Emma, this is Ben. My boyfriend. I promise you that he's nothing like Jason."

"Kinda looks like that RustyCage guy you used to crush on when we were teens. Remember you used to love all his covers, songs, and that knife game thingy," Emma said.

"That's because he is," you laughed.

Emma and Ben had gotten along pretty well. Emma understood that Ben had been through some messed up stuff but also understood that Ben was nothing like Jason. Emma was happy for you and Ben. You were sad when Emma had to leave for a date with Noelle but you promised that she could come by anytime.

Except, things can't stay perfect forever. Hours later, Ben was in tears and you couldn't tell why. He sat in the kitchen slouched at the kitchen table chair, drinking bottle after bottle, cigarette after cigarette. He refused to talk to you or even look at you. You sat across from him, confused as hell at what you had done to make him like this. You got tired when he got his seventh bottle and snatched the cigarettes away from him and pushed the bottle off the table.

The bottle smashed to pieces hitting the floor.

"I'm getting sick of this, Ben! Tell me what the fuck is wrong! I can't help if you refuse to talk to me!" You yelled at him.

"Maybe I don't want your fucking help!" he snapped at you.

"Then get the fuck out!" you screamed, "for real this time. I'm fucking done Benjamin! I'm done trying to help you, all you seem to want to do is throw all your troubles back at me! Get out! And never talk to me until you decide to actually act like an adult!"

He stood up to grab another bottle, you flinched.

"Oh grow the fuck up. You really thought I was gonna hit you? I'm many things but I ain't him," Ben spat pushing the front door open.

He left.

Would he come back? Why would he? You had just kicked him out. Where could he go? You knew what he would do. He would waste the last of his money on whatever kind of drugs he could afford, you were worried. He needed help and you noticed that you weren't the one that could be the one to help him.

You weren't able to help him. You knew this. He was too far gone. He needed professional help, from someone who was trained to help people like him. No amount of love could help. You knew you couldn't just wait for him to come back and talk to him about it, he had to be taken in as a patient. It was up to how both of you could handle it. But before you could think about it more, you realized you wouldn't ever agree.

You sighed staring at your phone before dialling 9-1-1.

You told them everything they needed to know and they told you that they'd contact you the minute they find him. You didn't know what was gonna happen but hopefully, he would get the help he so desperately needed.

Hours had passed. You were sitting on the couch with Carter. You started to fear the worse but eventually, you got the call, except when you heard what they had to say, you wished you never even let him out of the door.

You felt as if you had failed. You promised Ben that everything would be okay. You'd broken that promise to him. You wanted to tell him that you were sorry for everything that went wrong in the relationship, but now you couldn't.

"I'm sorry, Miss, but your boyfriend killed himself."

You couldn't believe those words. The woman had told you all the details, they had found Ben high and drunk with a gun to his head. They tried to get him to put down the weapon but he refused and before they could stop him, he had pulled the trigger.

The last words that Ben had told you kept you awake, 'I'm many things but I ain't him.' And he was right. He wasn't like Jason at all. You knew he would never hurt you or force himself on you. He just had problems and you had found it hard to understand. Being hurt was all you really knew. It wasn't your fault that you were scared. It wasn't Ben's fault either.

You brought your knees up to your chest and rested your head on them, letting tears drop onto your knees and down your legs, Carter laid next to you trying to make you happy but how could you? You lost the man you loved. You couldn't stop crying. You missed him so much, you just wanted to wake up and find out this was all just a huge nightmare but you knew this was real life, Ben was dead. 

You wanted Ben back. Lay on the couch with him and watch movies and cuddle, hold him and love him. Not being with him was torture. Emma called multiple times but you just ignored her, you didn't want to talk to anyone.

You were sure that you didn't want to live anymore, why did your life matter if he wasn't there? But something kept holding you back from killing yourself, Ben. You knew Ben would want you to move on, but how could you? He was the only man you ever truly loved.

You weren't afraid of death, but you knew you couldn't do that to Emma. You knew you had to be there for Emma, but how could you live without Ben? 

You sighed looking at the last photo you took of you and Ben on your phone, you smiled at the picture holding your finger over Ben's face trying to imagine someone else there but it was impossible, all you saw was you and Ben.

"Hey, are you Rusty Cage? Sorry if that sounds annoying."  
"Just call me Ben, it's more formal that way."  
"Everything okay with you and that girl that just left? Friends? More? You seemed pretty sad when she left with that other chick."  
"Just friends. I'll have to walk home now."

"Shh, it'll be okay Ben, I promise. You have more worth than you would think. I'm not just telling you this to make you feel better, I mean it. I mean every single god damn word I say."  
"You probably believe I'm some kind of whiney pussy now."  
"Not everyone is perfect Ben."

You sighed looking over at Carter, "I'll try to move on, that's what Ben would want."


	2. Emotionally Unstable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set 10 years after Ben's suicide

Dear whoever reads this,

Most people hate the rain. It rains almost every day and cold. But I love the rain. Since Ben's suicide though, it just gets cloudy. When the sky becomes black with thunder clouds, I lay outside in the grass and close my eyes, waiting for the water to hit my face. But it never comes. I find myself crying over how badly I want it to rain sometimes. In the past 10 years, I've been crying over the littlest things. Everyone acting so cautious when they talk to me. They're all gentle and sweet like I'm a gentle trinket that will shatter if they aren't careful, they know I've been unstable since Ben's suicide. They all got their happy endings. Emma and Noelle got married five years ago and had adopted a little boy. Britney started talking to a pretty nice man and they seem to be perfect for each other. Tyler and his girlfriend got married a year after Ben died, almost as if they didn't care that Ben died.

But I'm not like them, I didn't get my happily ever after. Sometimes the grief comes over me. Sometimes I throw stuff at the wall and break things, whatever I can find in my closet, then just sink to the ground and cry. Ben's gun always sitting in my closet telling me to put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. But I could never do that, not to Ben. He would want me to move on from him, but how can I? I loved him! And I still do.

I don't have a job. I never even looked at his channel or tried to continue his comic for him, everything that had to do with him just makes me want to cry. Ever so often, I'll get a comment on his twitter post about me how I am the one that sent me to kill himself, but that couldn't be farther from the truth, I never wanted him to. His comic is still making money since his death ten years ago so it's kept me pretty stable. I barely leave the house, sometimes I'll go see Emma but that's really it.

Sometimes I wonder if I will, or can, ever fall in love again. Every time I think I may be able to again, I remember what Ben told me: "I love you. Never forget that."

I never did. And never will. Wherever he is, my heart will always beat for him and only him. My story may not have a happy ending. It may seem to have a sad one. But I don't think it is that way. I got to experience true, undying, passionate love, the most beautiful feeling in the world. What happened to Ben, it kills me, but he died a true, good-hearted person.

I got the chance to love him and I regret nothing.

And I know one day, we'll be together again.


End file.
